Male Loneliness Epidemic or Invitation to Evolve?

As it is Men’s Mental Health Month and this issue appears to be front of mind for many, I decided to share some thoughts about the male loneliness epidemic.

As a therapist, I see the unfiltered sides of all my clients. The men I work with share their deepest fears, their darkest thoughts and their most closely guarded secrets. I see men in an unfiltered way because of this. Scrolling through social media, one would believe that ALL heterosexual men are complaining about how terrible women are. I can tell you that they are not. However, a significant percentage of them are and that is deeply unsettling.

The men I work with are in therapy to better themselves, examine underlying beliefs about women, their world view and their place in the world. They are willing to confront their misogyny even when it is directed at me. I have been told that a part of them hates me simply because I am a woman, that it is hard for them to open up to me because of the things I trigger in them and that they are not used to a “powerful woman”. I am unsurprised but nevertheless compassionate whenever it happens since I realize the depth of introspection required for a man to be able to admit this not just to himself but to his therapist despite fear that I will “fire” him. It means that he is self-aware enough to realize he may be part of his own problem. I want to clarify that I am NOT talking about these men.

This desire to be better is what is NOT happening in society. Out there, men are busy attempting to strip women of their rights and call men who have evolved to be egalitarian in their perspectives “beta males”. The “Bro-sphere” is real and promotes a disturbing brand of misogyny expressed overtly by those of the Andrew Tate persuasion proudly stating they are misogynists. They espouse a “masculinity” seeking to dominate, control and break women and when other men stand against that, (example here, here and here), they are threatened by the “red pill” community.

Other men refuse to do even the bare minimum in their interactions with women and feel that inviting us for a drink, dinner or a movie is somehow encouraging us to be “gold diggers”. When I hear this, I am dumbfounded. If what is on the proverbial table is potentially the rest of your life, how is buying a plate of food or consistently communicating too high a price to determine if this is potentially your “forever person”? However, a lot of the content and comments I have seen are blaming women for not settling for this and getting upset with them for choosing peace over the constant emotional and mental labour required to be with these men.

Many of these women are quite capable of buying their own dinners, paying for their own trips and managing their lives. Somehow, this is also a problem. If as a woman, you want a man to provide financially for you, you are a “gold digger”. If you are capable of and choose to do it yourself to avoid over functioning in your relationship, you are acting in a manner that is “unnatural”, and your very existence is an affront to society. No matter what choices women make, it becomes a problem for these angry and lonely men. This would lead a logical thinker to conclude that maybe the problem isn’t “women” as a faceless monolith, maybe it is something else.

The concept of the “male loneliness epidemic” was coined to explain the psychological distress that many men report experiencing because they cannot find a woman to date, settle down, and procreate with them. Given the nature of patriarchy to blame EVERYTHING on women, the conversation then shifted to “men are lonely and it’s women’s fault”. However, feelings are not facts. This is where research is able to help explain social phenomena based on scientific study of human behaviour.

Researchers have known for decades, (since at least the 1970’s), that marriages benefit men at the expense of women. Several studies – most recently this one in October 2024 – have shown over time that single women are happier than single men. We also know that married men are happier than single men and that married women are less happy than single, childless ones. The highest rates of suicide according to this article occur among single men and MARRIED WOMEN.

I recently wrote a post on dating in middle age as a woman, (see here), and referenced the fact that most divorces are initiated by women to men who are served divorce papers feeling blindsided as they “never saw it coming”. However, most of the time their wives have been trying to tell them what they need for years prior to leaving. However, if you believe the “Bro-Sphere”, these women are ungrateful bitches who leave for no apparent reason.

The truth is that what men think women want and what they actually want are not the same thing. Many men have ignored what women say they are looking for in a partner and then getting upset when they offer women what they think they should want with no takers. This matchmaker has laid it out beautifully, “With increasing gender equality and women’s empowerment, there has been a shift towards valuing qualities beyond financial considerations. Women now prioritize qualities like emotional intelligence, compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect in relationships, alongside financial factors”. This is absolutely consistent with what I hear from women both professionally and personally. This article in Psychology Today states, “women don’t need partners who invest all their energy in trying to prove how strong, manly, masculine, macho, or heroic they are. They just want men who are willing to meet them where they are and treat them fairly and equitably — and are able to make sure that the romantic spark keeps burning.”

It may be helpful to look at what men can do differently if they really do want connection. Having worked with men from all walks of life including those guilty of intimate partner violence, I will highlight some of the relational skills they developed. If unhappily single men develop some of these skills, they may attract a partner who wants to invest in building a shared future.

1.    Do your own inner work

It is well-known in the field of psychotherapy that most clients are women. Several studies corroborate this and examine reasons why men shy away from therapy. This 2023 meta-study which examined the findings of over 2300 studies carried out on the subject, found that masculine identity, and male behaviour norms were among the major reasons why men do not seek psychological support.

However, as someone who works with men, I have seen how much their quality of life improves when they commit to the process of counselling. I have seen “stoic” men open up, process, and experience their emotions in much healthier ways than before. I have seen them learn to trust their partners, deepen their relationships, and give their female partners exactly what they are looking for thus preserving the relationship.

2.    Stop seeking the approval of other men and don’t support the patriarchy

What most “red pillers” do is to encourage men to devalue women and focus on valuing the views of other men. However, since the masculinity they espouse is narrow, most men cannot meet the “ideal”. This is a perfect storm that breeds more misogyny, depression and loneliness in the very people it is supposed to be providing with community. In 2024, I wrote a post about how patriarchy oppresses men. To avoid unnecessary repetition, I would encourage everyone to  take a look at it here.

If you want to be partnered with women strictly for platonic reasons. Listening to what they have to say may be helpful in understanding what women want and how they think. Women have their own goals, dreams and aspirations that have NOTHING to do with other people.

Once you are able to do this, you are far more likely to become ready to meet women where they are rather than where you think they “should be”.

3.    Do an honest self-examination to determine who YOU are.

Be honest about what you offer to a woman based on what modern women want vs what you may have been socialized to think they want. Look at your values and whether or not you would be interested in coupling with someone who behaves like you. If you would not be interested in being with someone like yourself with all your flaws, why would you expect another person to do so? Women you date and marry cannot love you the way your mother could. That is not their role. Your mother can love you no matter how horribly you behave and whether or not you do anything to change your patterns. Your partner is under absolutely no obligation to.

If you say you want an independent woman but cannot handle her sass and her autonomous nature, then you are setting yourself up for failure and her up for disappointment and resentment. If you want a “trad-wife”, make sure you earn the money to adequately support one. You cannot decide you want a traditional marriage while expecting your partner to go 50/50 on bills.

4.    Listen when she is sharing her feelings and frustrations with you without becoming defensive

Failure to do this or branding her as “nagging” will inevitably land you in divorce court or in the “un-dateable” category of the court of public opinion. Women who are willing to express what bothers them about you and the relationship are still invested. When she stops talking, you may assume she has finally “learned” to live with you. Instead, what she is doing is plotting her exit strategy. A woman who is fighting with you is fighting for the relationship.

5.    Understand that it is not necessary to stifle your emotions with a 2020’s woman

Women today want someone with emotional intelligence which is the ability to identify your own emotions, effectively manage them and to do the same for others. Being a provider of money with the expectation that fostering emotional connection is optional is something that women are not willing to tolerate. At this point, women are choosing to be alone and continue to cultivate their friendships rather than settle for emotionally stunted men. However, Bro-Sphere would have you believe that this is “weak”.

Most women feel far more bonded to a partner who will tell them how he feels beyond mad, glad, hungry and horny. Women respect, admire and appreciate men who will cry in front of us and tell us how much we mean to them.

Men who continue to see this as “weak” are the kinds of men that women leave. I see them in sessions in deep pain and looking back at relationships decades in the past yearning for that woman they refused to emotionally connect and express with. It is sad when we start to do the work in the present to hear them realize that they allowed the person most capable of building a partnership to walk out of their lives forever. The emotion they name at that point is regret.

6.    Share the load in the relationship

The song Labour by Paris Paloma, released in 2023 has become an anthem for burned out women feeling resentment and the desire to escape their demanding male partners. The popularity of the song and the thousands of women screaming the lyrics at her concerts should serve as a wakeup call to men. She says “All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid, Nymph, then a virgin, nurse, then a servant. Just an appendage, live to attend him so that he never lifts a finger…” When I sit with women pondering leaving their relationships, I hear this sentiment over and over.

I see women over-functioning in their relationships while their male partners show no appreciation for all the things they do for them. In fact, they often do not even notice the amount of mental load that their partners are carrying and, to add insult to injury, when the women ask for help, the man turns and says “well you need to tell me what needs to be done”. This infuriating answer is but one example of what is referred to as “weaponized incompetence”.

Women complain that the “men” in their lives expect them to do even those things that are the personal responsibility of an adult human. A perfect example of this is in my therapy space. Often, wives and girlfriends are making the appointments for their male partners to see me. These women are not attending the appointments themselves but, they are making them, reminding the man, making sure he attends and making sure that the session fee is paid to me. These are ADULT MEN.

This load also includes being wholly and solely responsible for the emotional lives of male partners. We know that women have stronger support systems around them and therefore, do not rely on their intimate partners as heavily for emotional support as men do. We know that men take breakups harder for this exact reason. Women are expected to be the ONLY source of emotional comfort and support for men who do not reciprocate. This is the ultimate form of mental and emotional labour and many women are just plain sick of doing it.

Single women have told me that they are reluctant to date because they do not want to end up falling into the role where they are burning themselves out for the sake of a man’s needs. They tell me that they do not understand how an adult human being can have no basic life skills while simultaneously expect to “lead” a family.

Ultimately, it is bad for society when entire segments are siloed in the current manner. Often, male loneliness becomes male violence as we have seen with the spates of incel violence. Even the term “incel” reeks of male entitlement and female devaluation but, it embodies the idea that these lonely men could benefit from becoming more open to introspection.

From that place of introspection, they may be able to see how their patterns, inherited or radicalized, are undermining their ability to find connection. They can choose to avoid under functioning and to see women as whole beings rather than supporting characters in the story of his life.

As someone who genuinely likes and cares about men, I know that patriarchy has done them a massive disservice. I also know that although they are not responsible for what was done to them, they have a responsibility to self and others to heal so as not to pass down dysfunctional mindsets or deny themselves connection.